So, I came to a realization today that was like a slap in the face- I totally SUCK at being a Christian!!!
I am well versed in the saying " I cannot brag on my love for God because I fail Him daily..." and I find great solace in that thought, believe me, but it felt like a cop out of sorts. You see up until about 10 years ago I was a church attending "Christian" that saw the importance of God, the need for Jesus and someone who really desired to go to Heaven, but as far as understanding the true need for Jesus as my Savior, was something altogether different. I mean, come on, I know I smoked, drank occasionally, let a curse word slip form time to time and maybe even told a little white lie every now and then, but I didn't really do any of the BIG stuff I did before I got saved. Let's be honest before I was 'saved' I use to cuss like a sailor, steal whatever I wanted, treat people like garbage, smoke like a chimney, drink like there may soon be a drought and indulge in the company of gentleman as I pleased, but I had since been relieved of all of that. Then 10 (+/_) years ago I found a church that did for my spirit what no other thing had ever done- they lit a fire in me. I began to 'feel' God in a way I never had before, I wanted to do more, to be more and everything in my life started to change. Soon after I would began working with some of the young people there and eventually started teaching a class and even started a ministry with my husband. I could see the change God was making in every area of my life, including my sin life, (SN-While 'sin life' doesn't sound like a thing, in all honesty we all know it definitely is!! It is defined as the area of your life where sin is allowed to operate under one excuse or another-ie- 'she doesn't deserve forgiveness, she isn't even sorry' or 'It isn't a bad lie, and therefore doesn't count, if it is to protect someone') My sin life had been traded in for 'churchy sins', you know, like letting everyone know about how Sister Soandso had been bad mouthing all the members of the board, or how the building committee was misusing funds to put in a totally unnecessary new parking lot, and telling the outreach committee I was not able to participate in the distribution of blankets this year because I had to work, when in fact I just didn't want to be bothered by that ol' messy Sister Soandso. However, things here began to change ever so slowly, but most assuredly, I will spare you the long drawn out details, but after awhile we felt the nudge of God moving us along. We left the church as it were, with no real plan on where to go or what to do, but we were following the leading of God so it had to be all good, right? Not so much, well at first any way.
After being at home on the days I was normally in the church for a period of time, I began to notice that I read my Bible less and less and prayed even more infrequently, I found that God and I sort of started to drift apart. I was getting angry much more quickly than I had before and my patience was running on a much shorter fuse. Clearly God had not moved, but I couldn't understand what exactly had happened. I struggled for awhile because there was such an internal conflict, it was like part of me longed for God and wanted to get back closer to Him, like I felt before, but the other part had no real hunger or thirst for the things of God. I became indifferent. Lukewarm. I knew God hated this kind of mindset, He was an all or nothing kind of God, but I also didn't want to be fraudulent in my service or worship and that is what it felt like it would have been at that time. I suppose because there were no more choirs singing songs that lifted my soul or there were no more pastors offering healing balm for the wounds life had inflicted upon me, I felt abandoned and let down. I wanted to be fed and because no one was there to spoon feed me I had subconsciously determined that I was going to sit in the corner, fold my arms and starve. But God!!!!
As I tried day upon day to fight my way back into Gods presence He began to send little reminders that He was in fact still there and I had not completely caused Him to spit me out....yet. God began to reveal Himself in a whole new light. He started to show me that people, no matter how gifted or anointed they may be, are not the source, but rather simply a resource from Him to utilize. He alone was the source.(SN- Please do not mistake me I am not advocating not going to church or leaving and striking it out on your own. I happen to love church and attending them A LOT!!!!) God was formulating something in me for season yet to come, but you have to begin to till the fields long before you plant a seed. He let me know that even when I was unfaithful, He remained faithful. When I wanted to stomp my feet and be contentious, He would remain patient. When I wanted to walk the other way, He had no problem pursuing me and wooing me back to Himself. What kind of God is this that arrests the heart and refuses to let it self destruct??? It does my heart and soul such good to know that I serve a God not deterred by my flaws, my mistakes and the way that I screw up at least one something on a daily basis, but rather He is patient through them, using each one to formulate a moment that holds a treasure greater than I could EVER deserve.
So, yeah I truly suck at being a Christian, but praise God that Jesus has the Savior thing down pat!!!!!!!
